Midlife Women: This Is What We Need to Be Talking About, Says Dawn Barton
written by Stacey Lindsay
"I'm a little more wired for optimism than pessimism," author Dawn Barton tells us over Zoom. "I don't like to stay in a negative space."
Still, the self-proclaimed joyologist, who dedicates her time to helping women "redefine the mighty second half" of life, admits she's found herself in the depths of self-loathing and feeling stuck. Just a few years ago, as she was about to turn 50, she was spinning. "I felt like a used-up old racehorse, and the world was putting this old mare out to pasture," she writes in her new bestselling book Midlife Battle Cry: Redefining the Mighty Second Half.
So what did Dawn do? She consciously chose to view things—particularly midlife—in a new way. "I fought," she says. "I fought to push against all of it."
That "it" is aging stigmas, societal expectations, and the feeling that you're over the hill when you hit a certain age. As Dawn shares with us, midlife isn't an end. Midlife is "an awakening"—that we must honor by loudly and unabashedly talking about these seven truths:
#1: Women's Midlife Anxiety Differs from Men's
“Men are gripping onto everything. They think I only have a short time left, so I'm taking the world by the horns. But for women, we're so focused on grieving the past. We think of the women we didn't become, what we should have done better with our kids, if we should have had kids, if we married right, and if we chose the right career. It's self-loathing and questioning and all those things. We need to change that behavior. We need to start thinking of it more as God grabs you by the shoulders and says, 'You only got so much time left, so let's go all out!' That's what I want us to do.”
#2: Caring for Aging Parents Is a Gut Punch
“What I wish people talked about more was this devastating pivot that knocks you off your feet when you have to care for aging parents. That is a gut punch that we are not talking about—and we're not talking about it because of a multitude of things: Since they're our parents, we feel we shouldn't feel bad, or we shouldn't think caring for them is hard. We love them. It's similar to moms with little ones who feel they shouldn't see this as hard or they shouldn't complain because they love this baby. We aren't talking about any of that, and we need to.”
#3: Mindset Really—Really!—Is Key to a Joyful Life
“I once heard a line that said, 'I want to be an active participant in life, not a spectator.' I've always remembered it. Mindset is the foundation of everything that backed my push to fight and rescue myself from a place of self-pity. And it wasn't just self-pity. I was entering into a season where I felt betrayed by my body and mind. When I started to write a book, my mind wasn't firing at the same pace that it used to. I ended up fighting for that to go to a functional medicine guide and fix that.
As women, a part of us feels there isn't anything left to fight for. That makes me want to cry. I say this because I felt that. I felt like I had nothing left and that I wasn't physically or mentally as sharp as those who were younger were bringing to the table. I believed that. And if we believe that and we think that without other people telling us, 'Stop it! That's a lie!' we will fall into that trap. So we must fight against that.”
#4: So Many of Us Feel Stuck or Unmoored at Some Point
“Feeling stuck is the entirety of what my retreats are built on. When I did the first one, for which we sold nearly every ticket in five minutes, my message was: Are you in a place where you feel like you're flailing? Where you feel you need to figure out your purpose? Where you're not sure which direction you're going? Where do you feel invisible? I spoke the language of midlife frustration.
We have to talk about how hard this is. We have to. I didn't even bring in the menopause piece because I never went through it. I had stage three cancer when I was 41, which put me in menopause. We have to talk about that, and we have to talk about this feeling of flailing. It is so normal, and it is so common. When I started talking to friends, I was like, 'You feel this too? Really?' So we have to talk about this with each other. We are wired for community. We are wired to talk about this with each other. When I bring women together in an intimate space, tear down the walls, and have us all connect on an intimate level, it changes everything.”
#5: Being in Love with Yourself Opens the World
“You have to fight for yourself. You have to get back to dating yourself, to figuring out what you like and who you are. Do you know the movie Sing? There's a scene where she's in a grocery store and starts dancing to Bombaleo by the Gypsy Kings. I remember seeing that and thinking I'm putting that song on a playlist! I am that girl now! You have to fall in love with yourself.”
#6: When Women Boost Each Other, We Become Unstoppable
“We must breathe belief into each other. I was at a restaurant in Houston recently, and this beautiful woman walked in with a group of people. You could see the insecurity on her face. So I got up from the table, walked to her, and said, 'I'm so sorry for interrupting you. I have to tell you that you're beautiful.' Then I walked away. To breathe belief into her cost me nothing. I wish we would all do that for each other.
When I was at Mary Kay, I worked with hundreds of women. What always caught me off guard is how much a woman needs to hear, 'You are so amazing.' I don't care how rich, pretty, smart, and successful she is. Every woman needs to hear this.”
#7: Saying ‘No’ to Expectations Is Saying ‘Yes’ to You
“We think we're saving the world by saying yes continually. But the reality is, we're saving ourselves by saying no. When I dug deeper into this, I realized it is more about saying no to the world's expectations. This isn't just saying no to going to dinner. This is about pushing against old expectations and what the world says. It's not accepting the status quo. It's a bigger, more powerful no.
There was this lake house that I wanted. It's about three hours north of us in Alabama. It’s stunning. So I kept saying to my husband, 'I want this lake house. I think we can do it.' And he kept pushing back and saying no. So I said no to him saying no! I put together a business plan to buy a lake house with four women—and we bought a lake house! If there is something I want, then by golly, I will chase it!”
You can learn more about Dawn and order her book at dawnbarton.com.
Interview by Stacey Lindsay exclusively for Liberty Road.
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