From Divorce to Empty Nesting: How to Cultivate Resilience and Realize Your Dreams in Midlife
written by Stacey Lindsay
Significant life changes in midlife, from divorce to menopause to loss, can rock us to the core. We may feel we've lost our sovereignty or strength, even our way forward. But we're stronger than we often credit ourselves—and it is possible to navigate these waters so we still feel in control.
"These big life things can be a big, huge roller coaster, or they can be a smoother ride," says Barb Scala, an attorney who coaches midlife women through significant transitional periods. "We can go through the process, but it doesn't have to be this jolting thing that knocks us off our chair and stops us dead in our tracks."
Barb admits she's been stopped in her tracks. That is why she founded her company, Bloom with Barb: to help women thrive during any stage of their lives, particularly those that are deeply challenging. "I want to let midlife women—especially the 50-plus woman—know that she can do what she wants at any age and stage."
We asked Barb how we can stay positive when the seas of midlife get rough. Her insights offer a gentle roadmap for honoring ourselves and positively looking ahead.
Chatting with Barb Scala
You're an attorney and a divorce and transition coach dedicated to helping midlife women move through hard times with strength. How did this passion come to you?
I went through the biggest transition of my life: a divorce. That jolted me. I vowed then and there that there's got to be a better way. That's why I support women through trying and vulnerable times. And it's often not just going through divorce; it's the after-divorce space: What does my life look like now? What is my transformation? What am I going for? There's a lot to unpack. I had to do it myself, so now I help women as they journey through that.
What is it about immense change that often helps us find clarity?
It takes getting uncomfortable. It really does. When we're comfortable, we get a little complacent. Change is not a comfortable place to be. Certainly, the universe has its way of rocking us out of that and taking notice of something going on in our lives that we feel we don't have control over. We actually do have control, but we feel like we don't, and that's where we can dig deep to find how we can get centered no matter what's going on in our lives.
Midlife, or 'the middle third,' is a time of life that feels like it's finally getting the light it deserves. What excites you about working with women in this stage of life?
I hear from so many women, 'I want to do what I want to do.' There's a core piece there, which is that deserve-it piece and self-valuing. In midlife, women go through many changes, with our bodies and our hormones, such as empty nesting and changes in our relationships and work. It's a time of constant growth and evolution. At any stage of our life, but especially midlife, it's a great time to check in to all the moving parts in our lives, our entire landscape, ground ourselves, and know that we do not have to let life control us. This is a time to reflect, assess, and plan the next steps forward because that momentum is the fountain of youth that always keeps us vibrant.
Is the conversation around age changing?
It is changing. Women are vibrant and can be into their 60s, 70s, 80s, and beyond. I've seen it. I also know that the landscape of women is changing. We want to go to our second and third acts and feel alive and meet our goals. It's about believing life can take on a whole new fullness at different life stages. And if we can adjust to that expansive mindset instead of a fixed mindset, we can bloom at any age and any stage.
To stick with your ‘bloom’ terminology, how can we start to water ourselves, Barb? What are your tips for leaning into our worth, moving through hard times, and continuing to evolve in midlife?
This is where I use my bloom seeds. Bloom is an acronym:
B is for being positive. First, it's about believing in yourself. And believing that whatever goal you set or challenge you face, you have everything you need right now. That positive mindset is the B.
The L is for love. Loving yourself means valuing who you are. In midlife, you've acquired so much wisdom and experience, so it's about valuing that and knowing you are deserving.
The first O is for owning yourself. Own your authenticity and your uniqueness.
The next O is for organizing. This organization is about taking care of your well-being and your relationships in your life. You can't do something amazing or start a new career or something at this stage if you're not taking a holistic approach.
The M is for moving forward. It's about believing in that momentum and going in the forward direction. The new thing I'm on now is to forget about plan B! Stay on your plan A! Keep that forward momentum.
'Forget about plan B.' That's great because when we have a Plan B for our dreams, it's almost like saying we don't believe in ourselves.
It's a safety net. By focusing on plan B, you're not fully believing that plan A is possible. You are actually sabotaging your attempts. The beginning of BLOOM is believing. It's important to go look in and ask, Why am I not believing? What's getting in my way? Do I not value myself? Do I feel I don't deserve it? That can be a hard exercise, but it's critical.
What are some tools for looking within and digging deeper?
Journaling. The power of writing this down is essential, essential, essential. And clean up the self-sabotaging self-talk, that inner critic, that egoic person that wants to say, 'You can't do this, you're not good enough, there are other people doing this!' Work on that chatter. We all have it. Some people are really masters at turning the value down on that energy that does not serve them and turning up the volume on what does. For others, that's harder to do.
“It’s often not just going through divorce; it’s the after-divorce space: What does my life look like now? What is my transformation? What am I going for?”
It’s really about being aware of our limiting beliefs and reframing those stories. It's like meditation. The huge thing about meditation is that when your mind wanders, you come back to the breath. This is the same thing. When your mind goes to that negative chatter, bring it back into a positive reframe. I actually do have what I need. I can do this. If we let the negative thoughts take over, they will do just that—they will take over and override any positivity. So keep exercising the reframe, keep nourishing it, keep watering it, keep giving it sunshine so it can grow and be our superpower forward.
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Barb Scala is a transformation coach, speaker, and an attorney. She’s the founder of Bloom with Barb and the author of Sanity Savers: Tips for Women to Live a Balanced Life. Learn more here and at bloomwithbarb.com.
Interview and words by Stacey Lindsay.
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