How to Ask So You Get Exactly What You Want
written by Stacey Lindsay
To ask is an essential part of being alive. Think about it: As soon as we can communicate, we inquire: Why? How? When? Can I? Requesting information—or be it permission, validation, or something else—is vital to our survival and thriving.
But here is a question we don’t consider: How well are we asking? Are we doing it with conviction and clarity? Laura Fredricks, JD, begs us to ponder this. The revered author and consultant, whose new book is Hard Asks Made Easy: How to Get Exactly What You Want, helps people get what they want by counseling them on asking with confidence and clarity. Because, as Laura tells me over the phone, asking is more than the act itself. It’s a tool for growth, a “step forward to do something important for you—something that you really want and deserve.”
Whether you’re seeking to start a new venture, make a giant change, or learn more about who you are, Laura makes a compelling case: The essence of a fulfilled life is understanding how to ask effectively.
Chatting with Laura Fredricks, JD
You write that people must understand the psychology of asking. So, what are we missing out on?
When you don't ask, think about how bad you feel. Your confidence goes down. You start questioning yourself. You go into self-doubt. So when you do ask, all that goes away. You feel empowered, important, and worthy. You see that you have a place in the universe—a place personally and a place professionally. Asking is your step forward to do something important for you that you really want and deserve.
What stops us from asking for what we want?
A whole host of things. What most people say to me when they don't ask is number one: They don't want to know the answer. It feels awful to get a negative response. Number two: When we ask and get a no, we internalize it and make it a personal rejection. But it's not a personal rejection. It's just someone's response to you. Three: We spend so much time with a person whom we want to ask, we naturally think they'll know what we want, and we don't have to ask for it. We think it is just going to happen. Four: We overthink it, we overthink the ask in our head, and we play out every scenario to the point where we convince ourselves we don't really need it. Or if we wait a bit longer, it will go better. And time goes by.
And five: Maybe we asked before, and we didn't get it. Or someone else asked for the exact same thing, and they didn't get it, so why should I bother doing it?
Do you find this issue gendered?
No—and that shocks people. I get more questions on whether men make better askers than women. I'm here to tell you the answer is no. What makes a better asker is someone who's confident. It is not age-bound. It is not based on your sex or your profession. I've seen just as many lawyers, doctors, MBAs, and tech titans unable to ask. So, it really is confidence-based.
Confidence can be hard to drum up. How can we start to lean into confidence and ask better?
I created what I call the five laws of asking. People love structure, and when you do something that seems so amorphous and so overwhelming like you don't even know where to begin, this is the place. I put structure in an area that was largely left to chance and time—which is what people do with asking. So I have these five laws—and if you follow them in order, you will get exactly what you want.
Could you give us a peek at the first laws?
Absolutely. So let’s start with you, Stacey. Tell me something you need by mid-September.
I'm writing a book about midlife and I need to interview about 20 to 25 women.
So, you need real-life stories to incorporate into your book. This seems like a good ask. It's firm.
Here's law, number one: Know exactly what you want, including numbers and dates. Stacey, while you put your ask out, I would suggest you say, "I want 25 women confirmed to talk to me about their experiences for my book by September 10.” Now, what does that do? You have structure. You know exactly what you want, with numbers and dates. That's law number one.
Now, law number two. You have to write or type, it must be visual from brain to hand, 15 things you think they're going to say to you when you ask. So, in your case, you have to write down 15 things you think people will say to you when you say, "I'm inviting you to be part of my dynamic book. I chose you because I've read or know about your experiences that our readers have got to hear. Can I talk to you on September 10?" Now, I did something sneaky there. Every ask is two sentences and a question, exactly what I laid out for you. Again, every ask is two sentences and a question. You end on a question so that it stays on a conversation, and they speak next. So, going back to law number two: Write 15 things they will say to that. So here we go: Why me? Will you have to give my name? I don't have the time. Who's your publisher? Is this going on social media? Will I have the right to see it before you publish it? I think my daughter would be better, not me. Keep going and don't stop until you reach 15. Then, you write down what you will say to each one. So, you will answer, Why me? “We've been friends, and people have to hear your story.” I don't have the time. “We can make it 10 minutes.” Will I have the right to see it? “Absolutely, you can see your part before it goes to the publisher.” You write this all down, and you do that because you must deliver with confidence.
And that is law number three: You deliver with confidence. Remember, I said asks are made or broken based on confidence. And that gives you the confidence.
This makes it all less daunting.
You also see that it's so simple. The biggest thing is structure. When you have structure, everybody's shoulders go down, you breathe, there's a path, it's doable, and you can benchmark it.
How can asking with power help us in life overall? I ask as it's obvious that asking satisfies an immediate thing, say, a request for money or a promotion. But what are the cumulative grander impacts of this?
This book came out of people asking me incredibly emotional questions during COVID. These were questions like, How do I leave my husband? How do I get my kids to leave the house? How do I tell my boss I'm not coming to work anymore? How do I tell my family I can't vacation with them anymore? These were coming and coming and coming, which is why I put it all in one book. Where I find this helps most personal relationships: Whether you want more or less time, need the truth from someone, or need to ask for forgiveness or patience. This also covers health questions and how to find spirituality. It really covers every area in life.
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To learn more about Laura and to order her book, visit laurafredricks.com.
Interview by Stacey Lindsay exclusively for Liberty Road.
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